Sometimes I think it would be best if I wasn’t able to think about you anymore.
The only guy that I would tolerate inside me is so far away, and talking about chicken. I need new friends.
My phone has saved all of my texts for the last two years and as I read I realized my best friend’s feelings for me were exactly the same. Why did I never realize the extent of this? Why did it take him saying some really dumb shit about how incredibly hot I am and how he doesn’t want anyone else; for me to realize that, that is the kind of dumb shit he’s been telling me for years. I think I need to sleep and forget about the fact that there is a boy out there that will send me photos of his puppy or his boobs whenever I ask and who would rather text me until I fall asleep and let me talk about my dumb boyfriends then say goodnight. I have wasted so many years really not taking him seriously. Although until now he has been the same way with the fact that I have loved him since I was sixteen, and back then we could have kissed sloppily until he found someone better, but no we had to be friends, he had to move away, we had to keep in touch through all of our relationships and he had to let me know in a night of drunk texting that the feelings I’ve been pretending aren’t consensual are way too consensual. What does one do when nothing changes except for feelings? I guess sleep. Thank you if you read this, which would be the only way you see I’m thanking you.
But that’s never gonna happen, that was five years ago.
He told me he thinks I’m gorgeous.
Why didn’t I ask him how he felt about my insides?
Why didn’t I tell him to shut up?
Why did I just stand there letting him rattle on about something that I knew would make me spiral into this?
and the next day he acted like we were dating
and now he is acting like nothing happened
or maybe he is still acting loving and I’m the one pulling away
all I know is he hasn’t texted back in ten minutes and I wish he never would again so I could tell myself it was a glorious dream and venture to reality where I could meet someone who is here. Body, soul and otherwise.